Friday, May 7, 2010

How Disappointing....

So I am not really one to blog about unhappy things too often but tonight I really need to express something in words so can let it go.
I am a Ballet Teacher and I teach in all kinds of situations like I ran a studio for 4 yrs, Adult Classes where I live, technique classes for competition Jazz teams and floating sub work for a professional ballet school in Idaho Falls. With this being said I would like to re tell the following story to get it off my chest so I can forgive myself.
I am performing in the "Little Match Girl" for the Idaho Falls School of Ballet, and in my opinion, one of the finest Classical Ballet Schools in our area. I have been apart of this school either by taking classes are helping whenever I may be needed for two years now. I love Debra she is an amazing Ballet Mistress and I love to help her. She asked me to perform with the adult ladies in the year end show so she could be more dynamic with the choreography for that piece and I told her I would be there if she needed me. Though this past spring I have had a toe injury and had often wished that maybe I wouldn't have been so Non of this really has to do with what happened today but I thought I would give you some back ground on my situation in MY mind so you could feel as crazy as I do about today's happenings...
I have been to every class but a few since the choreography was set and every rehearsal ....but today I bombed. Have you ever done something that you can not BELIEVE that you did knowing the things that YOU know? Well that is what I did when I got ready, placed my pink shoes in my bag with my costume and was walking out the door at 4pm for a rehearsal in Idaho Falls. Realizing that I had not taken the schedule with me to look at while attending the rehearsal I walked in to get it from where I had LOOKED at it earlier that morning. And there it was the rehearsal time starring me in the face.....Ballet Scene 1 4:oo-5:oopm! WHAT! I hadn't even left the house yet. My heart could this be how am I going to explain this to could I have done this! Something, I ,myself would get mad at MY own students for doing? My heart sank as I tried to call, text anything to help figure out how to fix this....there was no way to. The rehearsal was only an hour and I lived 40mins from where it was being held. And wouldn't need to be back for rehearsal until 8:30pm later that night. I would end up drive 40mins for a 15min rehearsal. In debra's stress, she sent an awful text back, "this is a big problem for me!" I just sat and cried. How disappointed I was in myself, how unprofessional of me, how would I EVER going to make this up to her. I humbled, got ready and with a rock in my stomach went to the last rehearsal only to have one of her fellow teachers coldly say, when I asked where to put my stuff.."She done with whatever your in..." I knew that wasn't true but it was the sad truth that there was a hole for all to see during the rehearsal because I did the oldest trick in the book...."You can have all the talent in the world, but if your not there, your replaced!" Luckily, it didn't come to that tonight but it has been hard to swallow being a professional and all. It going to take some time to earn my trust back again with her. Wish me luck tomorrow we have a rehearsal at 10am-2pm.....performance later that night.

....and yes I checked the paper twice tonight!

Monday, May 3, 2010

A Talk with my Father

This post is about a spiritual experience I had this past Friday. Lately, where I live there had some beautiful days and then some bad days where it rains and the wind blows. But this past Friday it was one of those day where it couldn't make up it mind what it was going to do. So I decided to finish pruning one of the trees I was working on in my front yard. I always tend to listen to my IPod as I am working. I just think it helps the work go by faster and I was listening to it this day as I worked. I was finishing up raking up the mess from one of the trees. I began to ponder how I was doing in my life spiritually....prayer is always a topic of conversation between me and the lord. I have always had a hard time praying nightly and on rare occasions will remember to pray in the morning before I start my day. I was talking with my Father in Heaven about this wondering why I feel so empty lately. I knew it had to be from my most resent trial I went through. I felt weakened by all the pain it caused me. A kind of dark cloud or fog was around my thoughts when I reflected back to that hard time. Somewhere in this conversion with him I got an impression, a metaphor I had heard sometime back, "the lord didn't move, you did. That's why you can't feel his light anymore." I thought back in my life "Why is it so hard?" I was referring to life, the trial I went through and this simple metaphor. "Why is IT so hard?" with this, I stopped and I looked up. I saw beautiful clouds in the sky. The sun was hiding behind them just waiting for them you move so it could share it warmth. My thoughts were on the trees in my yard and the neighbors. They were so tall that if you looked up it was almost like you weren't in town but out in the country, which is wonderful to me being little farm girl at heart. My IPod stopped. I looked down to notice it powering down. I knew it was charged and it never just stops. So I waited for it to turn back on and quickly went back to "shuffle mode". My IPod is almost predicable on the songs it picks to put in this mode. But this time it came to a church song called "Who you are" by Hailary Weeks as the very first song. In my panic to HAVE to listen to a church song began pushing the over button like 4 times....a soft whisper came to me and said "Stop. Listen" In that moment I said back..."What do you want to say?" and began listening to the song. I could not believe that this song was everything I think Heavenly Father had been trying to say to me but I never "Stopped. Listened" without falling asleep or running to the next thing everyday. It spoke right to my soul and I found myself crying while I looked up at the sky leaning on my rake with both hands. I was in aha at how it was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I tried to calm down by began to rake again but each line of the song made my heart swell. I thought "Man, I hope no one pulls up right am I going to explain this." As the song was finishing, I stopped and looked up again, just as the last line of the song was being sung "Don't lose sight in the truth your daughter of God, he believes in who your becoming, He believes in who you are." the clouds moved and the sun shown down on me I could feel its warmth and knew what the lord was saying to me..."I never moved you did. I wait for you every night and every morning" In the moments after I found myself thinking that I must be hormonal right now or some other reason for this to have occurred but I couldn't deny the perfectness of it, I know this world in not perfect. This had be more. I realized and even wondered, how many times this type thing has happened in the past and I have wrote it off as nothing. My hope is to never to this because I had a special moment with my Father in Heaven and I know it was real.....

As a side note: Later my I said to my friend when relying this story to her through my tears..."Man, Heavenly Father must be really hip if he can speak to me through my IPod too!"