Well I am doing another entry on the place of peace I have come to this past month. I have been cleaning out my messy emotional closet lately. I have had some really great "aha" moments. There has been some friend to friend discussions that have helped drive thoughts home But most of it is due to watching a few of Oprah's Life Classes. She is an amazing women who have watched all while I grew up. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her. I have seen her become this assertive Icon for the world. I love how she is about sharing joy and change to her viewer. I think meeting her is on my bucket list for sure.
She has started this new project were you sign on for her "Life" Class. She teaches through her life and through life changing moments that doing her show taught her. She picks a thought each week and drives that thought home with true stories from her show that teaches her method of living now later in her life. I know I would like to be more like her ....haha. So I ventured into watching an episode one evening when I had nothing else to watch. And it WAS life changing......
The first one I watched was about Paula Dean. Mind you I didn't sign up for the classes on line I just jumped in with the first one on when I turned my Direct TV on. As it started I could already tell I was going to love watching. I had no idea how that episode was going to drive home everything I was trying to sort through for the past year. There it was being spoon fed to me like a hungry child. lol It was about two or three main stories. In between she talks about what she learned from hearing there story and what person learned. I found myself rewinding to rehear the phases she said so I could make mental notes in my head. "Being responsible for the energy you bring into a situation and being responsible for allowing an energy to be in your space." Seems like a simple enough thing to do and say. Until you really hear what she is teaching. She really talks about how these ideas will be what allows you to become your full potential not what BOX other people put you in. I realized I let my power go...when I am not responsible for the energy I put out and for the energy other people put in my life. There was so much more to this episode. The stories alone were absolutely worth hearing even if that's all you take from this class.
Then I realized in a world of commercial television were so much light and knowledge could go out to the viewers, very little does. I am so thankful for Oprah's creativity and joy she shares with the world. There are lot of classes I have missed. So far I have watched around 8 episodes and just watched one tonight. Again I left feeling emotionally fed and ready to try to apply the method into my life. ...."When someone shows you who they are...believe them!" I can really only watch one a week because it takes me that long to apply it in my mind. I keep the ones that I REALLY need to work on. I delete the ones I think I can't watch again either because it was something I have already learned and only needed a reminder or it was too hard for me to watch. She does have one that I watched a few weeks ago about ...."Love doesn't hurt" I had a hard time watching that one and there was another one on "Being in the present moment" I barley made it through those ones because they were very powerful and had some really hard true life stories. Even though, I am glad I watched the episodes. I realized even if I don't want to watch them again I needed a reminder of that lesson ...for sure!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wanted to share a few thoughts about it being my 9 year today. Nov 30th 2002
Look how young and SERIOUS we look in this photo. We are ready to take on the world! I could go on about how dreamy he was to me, how he was my knight and on and on. Really I want to point out how THANKFUL I am to have made it to 9 years with my MAN.
Marriage is tough cookies. Its like wearing a business suit everyday to work. Coming to a place where to know one another so well that you can WORK for each other. I never get the idea about "My marriage is falling apart ....and I don't know why?" Yes you do! One of you has stopped working. Marriage is meant to be hard. That is why it so divine and sacred. If it were a walk in the park it wouldn't mold and shape you into a better person. We have been through some REALLY hard paths so far ....I say so far, because I think what I have been through is hard but I know MORE lies ahead. Which is ok! Trust is what everyone knows makes a marriage function. I believe that TRUST is not only about how much your BOTH working in the marriage. Its also about YOU knowing with every fiber of your being you've been through trials and you have tools for YOU to make it through them again. Oddly, its not really about what the other person does that gives out TRUST because you are the one who makes your way NOT them. I can't MAKE my companion LOVE me, work FOR me and make him want who I WANT him to be. I can only trust that I have the tools to handle what trial is before me and know I WILL make it through better for it. In that I find my peace. That KNOWING I have given my all, 100% and owed my part in the mistakes. Then there is no regret for having been through the tough times because you would change having gone through them if you could. I am married to a man who has loved me when I have been difficult to LOVE, shared his needs when he felt it was useless and spoke his truths when it was hard for me to hear. Learning to be free from each other so you can help and not hinder. So can truly listen. Learning to cling to each other through each others trials. So no one feels abandoned.
One of my favorite saying from a marriage councilor was .....(yes counseling is not a bad thing..haha)
"I will walk with you to hell my friend as you work
but if you do not work then you can go to hell yourself."
What freedom in that saying! I am in control of my own life EVEN in a marriage. I can choose to stay or go. If I can say that I have tried MY 100% and owned my short comings then that brings peace. I am thankful for the Heavenly Father and Savior's hand in my marriage. Through the Holy Ghost I was able to see that I had a true companion that loves my husband and me more then I could ever comprehend. His ever watchful eye in my life was there all the time. I didn't realize how close they where until I went through troubling times. I wouldn't change it for all the riches in the world.
I love you baby. Thank you for loving me even at my worst!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
This is a post of a post I published on a website for ADHD parents and adults that I resonantly joined. I have been doing a lot research on parenting and coping with ADHD as adult. I am now not too afraid to look at or say that, I am a mother with ADHD and have a daughter with it. I am so glad there are places for me to read information about this disorder so I don't have to feel alone. Here is the post I did.....
I am an adult with ADHD Addition Deficit Hyper Disorder. I was unaware of there being a name to my monster until I was a Freshman in high school. Even though my mother thought I may have it as early as the second grade, she chose not to medicate me because of the all to familiar scare of Ritalin. Even after thinking I may have this as a freshman I still was not medicated until I was a Junior.
School, was I have to say, the hardest part for me as a whole with having this disorder. Actuality anywhere their was a teacher involved and a class room (church, studios ect.) were I was expected to follow.
Being an unaware child in my elementary years, I was a joyful and over loving child. I was boundariless when it came to friendship and relationships. Loving without thought, with so much energy to give of myself. I traded it for affection, adoration and approval there was little thought of myself in this equation. I learned how to adapted to my environment at school very quickly to gain approval were I was told it was important. At the cost a lot of the time of my self worth. Teacher didn't understand me and I was defiantly not excepted by my peers. Although I didn't have a hard time making friends it was usually not a healthy friendship. My "eager to please" habit started a down hill suffocation to my worth as a living being on this earth. Leading me unto waters where I was taken advantage of by adult males. Which in turn just kept my self worth at a all time low when I would return to school. There are many memories in my childhood at school that are not very pleasant. That I am sure would make most of the people involved today blush with embarrassment with how they acted. My school life was full of these types of situations. Being spit on and kicked in the legs because I couldn't fit in. Undressed on the playground surround by a group of popular kids in the 5th grade who I thought were my friends. Belittled in front of a class full of peers by teachers who couldn't tolerate my inability to follow the class environment. One one such occasion my mother stepped in after one teacher had hurt me so bad I was beginning to pee the bed, call home for school every other day, cry at the drop of a hat when I just couldn't get it RIGHT. She pretty much placed me in teachers who had worked with my siblings after that so she knew the personality of the teacher to minimize the damage. Home life was good but I wasn't excepted by my siblings very well either. They tolerated me at times but had a difficult time with full connection with me. Name calling wasn't just at school my sibling did this as a way to lighten the difficulty of dealing with me at home. All in all I did have a healthy family life. With a stay at home mother who had very loving walls in teaching us how to function. A hard working father who showed his emotions and loved us all unconditionally. So don't judge my parents too harsh they where defiantly present. They just had there hands full with 4 kids. My oldest brother has ADD or hypo mania (he isn't really willing to to find out....which another story) and My older sister has terminal illness called Cystic Fibrosis and My father, who was the first to know what to call his monster. He self diagnosis himself after reading an ADD book. Then went to a doctor to explain his concerns. I was almost 16 by this time. My poor mother trying to do damage control on all of us as we grew up. (I do have one more brother in the family that has no diagnosis. He has a personality a lot like my mothers.)
There wasn't information out in the educational field on ADD in the late 80's early 90's. What there was, scared parents from medications and good luck with information on occupational therapy. I always felt like there was three people inside me one who watched everything like a movie (my true self), Monster 1 who reacted and Monster 2 who talked loudly ALL the time. Little could make it past the the two gray fogs. Try as the viewer may, the other personalities just took control and steered the vessel. Wanting to bring peace to my out of control world, I would throw myself under the bus to the monsters and everyone who told me I wasn't enough. Little did I know I was NEVER going to fit in. I was bound for a much more potential then I had ever thought possible at such a young age.
I learned to manage through life letting experiences tell me how to be. In a way helping me function with my nameless disorder so I could be worth something. That didn't work maybe this will. I learned to try to learn form my own and other people mistakes so I would have to be hurt anymore. People began to gravitate towards me. "Normal does not play well with fun" I would tell myself in high school all the time. Being so full of life and energy I was always ready to play. I found outlets like theater and singing that I could be free from unified form and conditions. Interestingly I really gravitated towards boundaries and limitations. Classical Ballet was one of the things I clung to through school. Which I find so funny with how difficult and disciplined an old art form like this is to achieve. Although I was very talented in the many art forms. I really LOVED Ballet. I remembering crying at the barre because I want to focus so bad. I would watch the combination just to have the music turn on and my mind would draw a blank. Embarrassed that everyone else got it and I didn't I would beat myself up. My Monsters where right there to join in on the feed. This was my inter dialoged for 3 to 5 years when I approached something I wanted. Not being able to see through the two other monsters in my mind. I would yell ...Try harder!!! One thing that is interesting about having ADD is that you have the ability to hyper focus on things that interest you. School did not interest me but I knew I had to pass school to get on with my life to the things that did. I came to realize in my junior year of school I could no longer ignore my situation. With a 1.8 grade average my monsters had clearly taken the wheel and I was watching my dreams slip out from underneath me. In 1997 when my father finally was diagnosed with ADD, a door flew wide open for our family. He was able to finally be himself. So, I went in to have a full evaluation done my Junior year of High School. With in one month of talking the meds and a few dosing changes I went from a 1.8 grade average to a 4.0 in one semester of school. I also became better at all my talents and reached new highs in my friendship because I could control my monsters. Which is so funny because that all you hear about the drugs for ADD. They make you less of who you are. I'm not saying that every mg of prescription is perfect for every person.
I just wanted to touch on how I personality lived the life with out meds. Leaving me as an adult with emotional scars from having no worth as a child with ADHD. I often think how much more I could have been if I would have had meds sooner. Seeing that I was not given a choice, I now know I was given my trials so I could be who I am today. I just think I would have less emotional scars if I would have been able to be the REAL me through my most influential years of education.
Ironically, I am now looking at making these same choices for my oldest daughter who shows signs of ADHD. I fought with myself not wanting even look at the possibility of her having it. Fearing she would have to go through her life with this disorder. I realized that she won't have to go through my experiences because I am going to make a new way for her. I will use ALL the tools that are out there for her and she will be able to use this disorder to help her really focus on her interests and be a light to those around her because of her energy and joy. This what I hope people who read this journal get from it..... ADHD can be used to make someone better. You just have to give them all the tools to build there ship. There ship may look different then there neighbors but it will stay afloat and even may look cooler!
....After posting this I realized there was some "aha" moments for me while writing this. I realized for the forst time in my life I could give words to my afflictions in my past. It was something I always wanted to share but didn't have the words and theories in my mind yet to get it meaning. I am sure I will be adding to this because of now being Mj mom I will have a whole new set of rules to learn. I am thankful for all those people in my life that loved me dispite the disorder I have. That see me for the real me and try to lift me up. That is the energy I want in my future. I am barly learning to own my energy that I bring into an experience so I'm hoping to post more on this as I grow.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Ok its not Aug....This was a post that I was obviously trying to get out before the summer ended but ....it didn't happen because I am now looking at getting Mj Halloween costume ready...haha. YES the summer did fly by...bye bye. Just thought it was funny that I never got back to this post.
I performed a solo on pointe for the Idaho Falls School of Ballet end of the year show. I am still not at my ideal weight for being on pointe but I wanted to increase my workout in class so I started training again after my last child Bo. What a really fun experience. It the first time I've performed on stage alone in a long time. I have loved being apart of this school. I have more opportunities then I have had in the past with other studios. I believe this school is one of the best schools in Idaho Falls for training and education of Classical Ballet. I am very thankful for being able to teach and learn at this school.
Didn't have very many pictures but here is one of the pictures from the performance. If I can upload the performance I will try My man recorded it for me. as much as he LOVES going.
Mj graduated from Preschool! Yes I know it doesn't seem possible the she could sit long enough to get her diploma but she did in her own little way. She stole the show among 40 kids she kept making the audience laugh. I tried to catch some of the funny things she was doing but it was so dark in the theatre that they didn't turn out all that great. I will post a video if I can get to to upload. Her Nana and grandpa came in from Boise. Nana got a kick out of her for sure.
Went to some family reunions as always this summer this one was the first for me in a long time. I use to go this side of the families reunions every year up until I was about 14. Our family was the there the last year it ran. They just started meeting for a potluck lunch again a few years back. It was nice to see how many people I didn't even know that I was related to. hahaha. I'd pass them right on the street and never think twice.
My Mare Sassy had a BABY! She is way bigger now and already weened from her mommy but "Gigi" is super cute and very curious about people. I'll be posting more about her I am sure as she continues to grow up.
Jamie came in! Mj loved it. As always when Jamie comes or goes there are always tears evolved. But mj talks about her all the time and love to play with her. Bo talks about her too and shows everyone the bracelets she made for them.
We went to meet my bestee at the Rose Garden in Utah. She got us in with her and her kids. It was well worth the drive there and we are so glad she had planned to do that with her kids that day. My kids loved seeing all the beautiful flowers and hiking. It was a nice break from the norm "shopping".
Mj and I sitting next to a Flower BED...hahaha...get it.
We went to Lagoon. Mj and Bo loved it. My niece came with us to help with the kiddos she had fun playing in the park on her time off from helping. D and I played with the kids until afternoon while my niece rode the rides. We took the kiddos back to my sister in laws house. The kids played with my niece while my Man and I went back on a little date. It was a nice get away.
Bo got to ride more rides this year! He loved them. Its so fun to she your kids learn things in this world. How they are so fascinated by the small things. I've forgotten how special the small things really are as I get roughed around in this harsh world. Kids help you remember JOY in the simplicity of life.
The OTHER amazing thing we did is go to the Katy Perry concert that weekend. We were so excited we got the tickets way back in April. It was an amazing show of course....it is Katy Perry. She is super fun and I think D fell in LOVE. That is all he talked about for weeks after. Still to this day if he sees anything on her he totally stops and looks at it. hahaha.
In August I had a chance to be apart of a Photographing Shoot with 40 + Photographers. It was a great experience. I had so much fun and it was really cool to have so many of them working with you at the same time. We had Professional hair and makeup done for the shoot. There were only 5 models and they were all younger then me by at lest 8 years. So I felt a bit old. But guess what! My photo Won!!! Talk about a nice ego boost right before my 31st birthday. LOVE the one above. The photo of me that won is below. Same photographer as above.
This is from a photographer out of Twin Falls Travis Gadsby. (another one of my favorites) He was the first one to send me photos from the shoot. I have to say I was impressed with the photographers that where quick to post pictures for the models to see their work. It just goes to show who the professionals are that show some grace to the people they work with.
(The Above) Is Not one of my husbands favorites he thinks I look frumpy and like a druggy. haha. When I model it seems you do have to know your angles hahhaa. I have to say I need to make sure this doesn't happen too often. I haven't modeled in a long time I really want to get better at it. Any shoot where I can get the photographer to work with my angles is awesome for my training.
This one is from a photographer out of Idaho Falls. All of the costume was my stuff. (usually not worn this way...hahaha) but I brought a tote or two for the shoot. Just told the host to pick whatever she wanted for her shoot. I was happy that she picked such a rockin' outfit. I love to create Art in any Medium its so fun to be someone else for a day.
Mj started school! We signed her up for the charter school and she won in the lottery! She loves it, well I think I love it more then her. It works with her personality and they really take a personal interest in each child. Their standard of excellence for each student so personalized to each child. I couldn't have picked a better place for her to be.
Mj was having a difficult time adjusting to going to Kindergarten. So we changed up her positive reinforcement at home to get her to stay forced in school. It worked! So the first thing she asked for was to go to the Hoogle Zoo in Utah so she could she the Elephants and Lions. She loved the trip and we had alot of fun too playing with our friends. We staying a hotel one of the nights. The kids loved the pool and I have to say I enjoyed it too. It was a great last trip before the winter. Gotta love Idaho winters.....NOT!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Super cute faces and there looks of total wonderment.
Here is our family photo
(thanks to my little niece. Love you!)
We had a really great Easter was really busy but got to see all of my mans fam. Not much time of much else. I wanted to post these because I am going to be doing a new post on 2nd chance prom. So have to play catch up....hahahahaaa.
Monday, April 18, 2011
My little girl has pretty much decided from the get go that she is not going to be feminine AT all. So I have let go of my dream of a little girl following in my footsteps as a dancer. Realizing, I may be on the side lines of sports games instead. Sports is something I barley tolerated in school. what can you say when your daughter runs with boys plays with boys dresses like a boy. Something I learned from my mother is "Pick your battles". I want her to be who she wants to be not what I predisposed her to be when she was a glimmer in my eye.
The Soccer Mom life began this year when D had her sign up for local Soccer. She loves it. When I mean "loves it" - she asks me everyday if she has practice or a game. We have learned to not tell her when its game or practice day because she would ask about it so often I felt like I was taking CRAZY PILLS. She has LOTS of energyand she has a very aggressive "Take No" personality. All things that will help her when she gets on the field to play. If she can just stay focus long enough....hahaha.
Here is some video of her in action! They're pretty funny to watch.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
So I have been looking for these to two books for, lets just say.... while!!! They were lost, one my friend switched me for her suggested book and the other I loaned to a friend, it took a while for her to find it. I loved these book and I try to read them once a year. I am a BIG reader of self help books. Reading about something or an idea that gives me a whole new out look on life is fascinating to me. These are some good reads for sure! I talk about what I think they help with but really they are just good books. They where recommended to me through people I trust like almost anything I pick up to read.
This book is a short book you could read this in like 4 hours. I can not tell who much this book helped me to understand people. So have you ever left a conversion or a situation with someone and felt hurt or frustrated but couldn't put your finger on why you felt bad? Girls can relate to this because in high school its how girls interact with each other....."You wear that so well...I mean I would NEVER wear that but you wear it SO well". Hahaa. Yah I am sure we have ALL had out share of that. But this book teaches you how to deal with people who are this way and how to stop feeling hurt by them.
Side note* If you work in the work place this is a MUST read for you.
This is a book that come out a counciling sessions I had earlier in my marriage. I would have to say is one of the books that changed how I proseved my life and my husband. I think sometimes we wait TOO long before we reach out for help. The time is now for you to understand your spouse. Men love there women to read this book just because of the title. But It really does work! I mean you still have to TALK but a lot less....hahaha. This has some worksheets in it for you to do even so really get down and dirty with learning it completely. Love hands on stuff like that. If your spouse leaves u alone a lot or just always seems to "checkout" or even if you find yourself saying the SAME things over and over....this book is for you!
**GO TO MY BOOK SHELF ON MY SIDE BAR TO BUY THEM FOR YOURSELF!**
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I had forgotten how yummy this childhood treat is! Recently, I decided to go on this "No sugar" Diet for a few weeks to see what I could trim off my arms, waist and inner thy before my Ballet performance in May. It was funny how your mind talks you into how much you NEED sugar. I replaced my naughty treats for more natural one like fruit and honey. The jello was in place of desserts after meals. It was hard and sadly, really didnt see any changes on the scale after a full two weeks. I felt trimmer. On a side note we celibrated with a FREE day were we ended up spending close to 50 dollars on CRAP because we had soooo many treats we had wanted to eat. So the lesson I am taking from this is....Low sugar is a better way to go. I think part of me just wanted to see if I could do it. I like challenges. So now my next quest is to try the low sugar and add a "low carb" diet for a week to see what that does. Its been interesting to try to think of ways to eat things I like more healthy like; tacos and sandwiches ect. I won't see dramatic results in one week but I think I will get down into the twenties. This is where I was before I had my second baby. I'm just looking to firm up some of the last parts of my body that "yes" seem weird for me to be complaining about. I have been told I am ALREADY thin. But I DO have to see myself in a leotard every other day in wall to wall mirrors and every pound I have extra I carry in every leap and bound across the floor. Haaa. The joys for being in love with a demanding art form. So to the average women I seem careless and OC. I would invite my accusers to stand in my stead and see if you don't want to knock a few pounds off for good measure. I knew that Ballet was in my soul and blood at a very young age. Its been a love hate relationship, one that I will never be happy with until I mastered my body and mind. Created a world within it for myself. A space I could be a peace with. This is why I am in my 30s and still dancing. I hope to be dancing when I am 80. The child within me will never die if I feed it and play....bottoms up to the childish treat of Jell-O. jiggle jiggle
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Here is one of my new pieces of art work. In the past few weeks I have been battling a few things. "Within"is obviously a picture of myself; it reflects me as Adult with ADHD. Also a mother who has started to see signs of this in her daughter. ADHD was horrible to me in the public school system and socially. I felt helpless to peoples judgments at my in ability to control my focus and my actions. Reticule and abandonment was often too much the response I received from my family members, peers and teachers. People just could figure me out, who could blame them, I couldn't even figure me out. At a very young age I began to know it also was a gift. A wonderful gift of the ability to create, think outside of the box; do things differently then everyone else. My mind could create things some people could only watch in movies or read in books. I began to use different forms of Art as a way to step out of the world and into my own safe place. I found safe places to stand so I could breath in my own skin with out being scared to stand tall. Another gift was the being able to love people so much; I would cry if they cried, feel their sorrow and see them for them for who they really are. In so many words to "Love Much". Over the years of people hurting me and taking advantage of this in me I lost it. I am now seeking to find this beautiful child that I lost so many years ago to this hard world. I feel this represents this battle, one I hope I can help my daughter through without loosing her beautiful wings.
(I will be posting some more art work later of the other thoughts I have been processing in my life lately.)